What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

Back when Jerry Seinfeld was just another comedian hanging around the clubs, I'd imitate him to amuse myself and the other comics. The club owners would say, 'What are you doing that for? Nobody knows him.'

My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young.

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.