Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

R2D2 has gotten more work since “Star Wars” than Carrie Fisher