Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.

A good indication that it's not is if you're only staying with What's His Name because you're scared.

I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.

My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.

Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.

We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.