She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.

First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend

A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you.

The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.

You already have one asshole, you don't need another one

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show.