Better than nothing is not good enough for you!

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!

The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion!

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.

I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.