The only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you.

He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired.

I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

Let's start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. What other choice is there?