big plans require big action

The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric.

I'm tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships.

So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you.

But he was so great!' Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.