Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that's great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where's your Metallica?

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.

It`s your version of whatever that is. We use those words because they are kind of empowering. Try to get back into your life and get back on track with dreams you have. There`s nothing more attractive than a person who likes herself.

Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you?

He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.