Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less.

There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

Let's start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. What other choice is there?

There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.