It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less - even a vague pathetic facsimile of less - than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get, and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

You are not easily forgotten.

My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show.

Don't idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don't idolize people... Because they'll let you down.

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.