I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.

I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.

She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.

People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.

There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted.

He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired.