I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it.

I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!

We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep.

We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.

A good indication that it's not is if you're only staying with What's His Name because you're scared.

The time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.

My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.