Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.

So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.

I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it.

I don't know" means "NO!" "I don't know" means "I'm too cowardly to tell you the truth because I can't deal with confrontation." "I don't know" means please do the dirty work for me because I don't want to hurt your feelings even more then I already have.

I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh.

Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself.