When we're picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do.

If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater... I'd be just fine.

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

Let's call cheating what it is: a complete betrayal of trust.

People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.

Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you