I wear glasses. That's how you'll know me. I am the speccy one.... And I am proud.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.

Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'

My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It's our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn't care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.

How would you like to make money in real estate?

I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.

If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.