I wear glasses. That's how you'll know me. I am the speccy one.... And I am proud.

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'

In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.

I think if you steal well, you're a genius. If you copy badly, you're a hack.

I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I'm sorta stuck with this now. It's a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.

You're in a bar - grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?