I wear glasses. That's how you'll know me. I am the speccy one.... And I am proud.

Let me tell you about Australia. It's really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you're a gleam in your father's eye.

Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.

You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.

Glasses are for the brave. I do not need to pretend that I am sighted. People who need glasses and don't wear them are slightly less treacherous than people who don't need them and do-like every shallow Hollywood star who wants to be taken seriously.

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.