Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.

It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.

I think if you steal well, you're a genius. If you copy badly, you're a hack.

I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.