Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'

Arizona changes its state motto to Damn, it's hot.

Contact lenses are for vain, weak-willed piglets who swan around showing off: 'Look everybody, I can see without spectacles. No one at first glance will ever assume I know how to surf the net.'

I'm old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.

Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.

I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don't, you know, I can't worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!