Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'

I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness.

Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.

I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.

I love the nightlife. I like to boogie.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.