You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!

You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.

I wear glasses. That's how you'll know me. I am the speccy one.... And I am proud.

You're in a bar - grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?

It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

Contact lenses are for vain, weak-willed piglets who swan around showing off: 'Look everybody, I can see without spectacles. No one at first glance will ever assume I know how to surf the net.'

Animals have two vital functions in today's society; to be delicious and to fit well.