You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!

I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.

Animals have two vital functions in today's society; to be delicious and to fit well.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.

How would you like to make money in real estate?

No one is a natural - you have to work at being a natural.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.