Animals have two vital functions in today's society; to be delicious and to fit well.

If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.

I'm all for dropping lawyers into any war time situation.

People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.

I don't come on to seduce the audience. I don't care if everyone laughs. I can't think about that anymore. If there's anything that a lot of experience on stage and a lot of stage time gives you is the confidence to know that it's ok if they're not laughing every second you're up there. Although that's what drives me and I still go too fast a lot of the time.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.