Think about everything you read and everything you see. The one thing we can learn from all the horrible things that have happened in the last 15-20 years is that hysteria is the last thing we need. Cool thinking, pragmatism, and analytical thought are most important at this point.

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.

You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.

Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.

Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.

We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.