Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.

I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I'm sorta stuck with this now. It's a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.

You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.

I'm old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.

It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

Oh, I don't wear a bathing suit. I wear a tent when I go out.