I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.

I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don't, you know, I can't worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.

If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.