In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.

We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.

I wear glasses. That's how you'll know me. I am the speccy one.... And I am proud.

You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.

Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'

Contact lenses are for vain, weak-willed piglets who swan around showing off: 'Look everybody, I can see without spectacles. No one at first glance will ever assume I know how to surf the net.'

Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.