I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.

Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.

Let me tell you about Australia. It's really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you're a gleam in your father's eye.

I love the nightlife. I like to boogie.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.

I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.