I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.

I like the night life, I like to boogy.

If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.

Tequila is like acid in a glass.

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.

Oh, I don't wear a bathing suit. I wear a tent when I go out.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.