Glasses are for the brave. I do not need to pretend that I am sighted. People who need glasses and don't wear them are slightly less treacherous than people who don't need them and do-like every shallow Hollywood star who wants to be taken seriously.

I love the nightlife. I like to boogie.

I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness.

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

How would you like to make money in real estate?

Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.