Glasses are for the brave. I do not need to pretend that I am sighted. People who need glasses and don't wear them are slightly less treacherous than people who don't need them and do-like every shallow Hollywood star who wants to be taken seriously.

Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.

People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.

Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.

In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.

If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.