I love the nightlife. I like to boogie.

You're in a bar - grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?

Oh, I don't wear a bathing suit. I wear a tent when I go out.

I think if you steal well, you're a genius. If you copy badly, you're a hack.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.

Animals have two vital functions in today's society; to be delicious and to fit well.

If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.