Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove