Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.