When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!