I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.