Groucho Marx Quotes

This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

Home is where you hang your head.

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank Champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.

I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

Hello, I must be going.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now.

I'm not much of a correspondent. My letters are not only uninteresting but sparse. I'm glad I don?t have to write for a living. It?s arduous work and the money is very uncertain. On those rare occasions when I wander into a bookstore it amazes me to see the avalanche of literature and semi-literature that is turned out weekly in this country. The people who write these things are either desperate for money or love starved. Why should anyone on a nice balmy day lock oneself in an office and hit a typewriter for hours on end. I think one of the greatest pleasures in the world is not writing.

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.