The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.