The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.