I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.