A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.