A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

Was that you or the duck?

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.