Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication