In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Hello, I must be going.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.