In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

That's nothing - my alarm clock is set for eight.

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

I intend to live forever, or die trying.