In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.