The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

Don't waste time trying to break a man's heart; be satisfied if you can just manage to chip it in a brand new place.

An optimist is merely an ex-pessimist with his pockets full of money, his digestion in good condition, and his wife in the country.

After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her.

There are people whose watch stops at a certain hour and who remain permanently at that age.

The dollar sign is the only sign in which the modern man appears to have any real faith.

What a man calls his 'conscience' is merely the mental action that follows a sentimental reaction after too much wine or love.