Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

No girl who is going to marry need bother to win a college degree; she just naturally becomes a "Master of Arts" and a "Doctor of Philosophy" after catering to an ordinary man for a few years.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

Changing husbands is about as satisfactory as changing a bundle from one hand to the other; it gives you only temporary relief.

Love: woman's eternal spring and man's eternal fall.

Love will never be ideal until man recovers from the illusion that he can be just a little bit faithful or a little bit married.

Marriage is the operation by which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism are extracted without an anaesthetic.