"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.