A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"