A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?