I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

What is a home without children? Quiet.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did