I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"