I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.