Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.