I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.