During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.