During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!