I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
Henny YoungmanSome people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny YoungmanThis man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Henny YoungmanA little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in?
Henny YoungmanIf you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny YoungmanI know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny YoungmanShe ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
Henny YoungmanA guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny YoungmanA little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!
Henny YoungmanJust think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Henny YoungmanWe were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
Henny YoungmanA doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Henny YoungmanThose bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.
Henny YoungmanDuring the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.
Henny YoungmanMy son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Henny YoungmanDoctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."
Henny YoungmanGetting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
Henny YoungmanMy wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henny YoungmanMy other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Henny YoungmanAmericans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Henny YoungmanMy wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
Henny YoungmanAnother drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
Henny YoungmanA doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
Henny Youngman