A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.