Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?