I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.