In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.