In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.