In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"