The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'