I feel like a steaming cow-pat - or a car that's clocked up 400,000 miles in one journey.

I feel like I've been on EastEnders all my life and now I'm playing King Lear.

Sepp Blatter and all of them lot Mr Platini I know he was a good player but he aint very good at what he does, I don’t think. I think he’s useless you can quote me on that.

Managing a league club is like making love to a mermaid... you should always be aiming for a top half finish

It's all very well having a great pianist playing but it's no good if you haven't got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play.

You never count your chickens before they hatch. I used to keep parakeets and I never counted every egg thinking I would get all eight birds. You just hoped they came out of the nest box looking all right. I'm like a swan at the moment. I look fine on top of the water but under the water my little legs are going mad.

I couldn't be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season!