Every dog has its day - and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark.

To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She may not have been the best looking lady we ended up taking home but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let's have coffee.

I might be in a bit of a Skoda garage rather than a Mercedes garage, but I am telling you some old bangers don't half polish up great.

This club needs an impetus of energy - but I just feel tired to be honest. I'm worn out.

Apparently it’s my fault that the Titanic sank.

He's going to be what?! Oh for God's sake. Sir David Beckham? You're having a laugh. He's just a good footballer with a famous bird.

You can say that strikers are very much like postmen: they have to get in and out as quick as they can before the dog starts to have a go.