You can say that strikers are very much like postmen: they have to get in and out as quick as they can before the dog starts to have a go.

I watched Arsenal in the Champions League the other week playing some of the best football I've ever seen and yet they couldn't have scored in a brothel with two grand in their pockets!

It's all very well having a great pianist playing but it's no good if you haven't got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play.

If I fell into a barrel of boobs, I'd come out sucking my thumb

I love Blackpool. We're very similar. We both look better in the dark.

I feel like I've been on EastEnders all my life and now I'm playing King Lear.

Sometimes when you aim for the stars, you hit the moon.