Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.

An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that have been permanently discontinued.

Middle age: when you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.

A woman may have a witty tongue or a stinging pen but she will never laugh at her own individual shortcomings.

Of all American cities of whatever size the most friendly on preliminary inspection, and on further acquaintance the most likable. The happiest-hearted, the gayest, the most care-free city on this continent.

Men are vain; but they won't mind women working so long as they get smaller wages for the same job.

You had to hate the Colonel a whole lot to keep from loving him.